I had a little run-in with the royal family last year. Just watch.

So I'm trying to interpret these paintings that George W. Bush has created. I see the main figures in the paintings to be himself. In the left painting I believe he is doing a little dance after he shot a guy. In the right painting, he is holding 1000 pounds above his head while he rests his foot on some guy's severed head. In both paintings he seems to be sporting a giant boner. Not sure what that's about. I don't think the paintings are really very good, but I don't know much about art. Anyway, it's nice to see him being a little more introspective as he ages.

I feel a responsibility to share what I've learned so you don't walk around looking all stupid. You're welcome!

I don't usually post this kind of thing, but when I saw this picture of a little boy with no legs, half-eaten by a shark, yet still competing and going strong, I have to say I was inspired. The shark must weigh like five times more than the kid! You go, little legless, half-eaten by a shark boy! For God's sake, why can't they remove the shark? I guess modern medicine just isn't there yet.
I found out la ter that the boy must be dunked in water every hour in order to keep the shark alive. Nature can be cruel.

So this LogMeIn thing is pretty cool. It lets you remote control your computer from any computer that has web access. That's all fine and dandy, except I just can't agree with their choice of icons on their home page header. A pickup truck? Really?

I can't put my finger on it, but something seems very natural about her to me. Maybe I'm wrong, but I almost feel like she's the kind of girl a guy could take camping.

I simply have to say that I don't think it was appropriate for the Duchess of Cambridge to be flashing her tits like that on the balcony of Buckingham Palace! And to be doing it for some stupid beads! How low class is that? Doesn't she know the U.S. is still recovering from Janet Jackson's tit?

I learned about ileostomies this weekend. It's a medical procedure where the end of the small intestine is diverted through a hole in the abdomen. Here is a photo of an ileostomy I stole from Wikipedia:

What I found especially interesting, is that this procedure goes all the way back to the ancient Greeks and Romans. Back then, ileostomies were regarded as beautiful. In fact, almost any depiction you find of Venus, the goddess of love and beauty, includes her ileostomy. For instance, Venus de Milo, probably the most famous depiction of the goddess, clearly shows her ileostomy:

Botticelli went as far as to include oozing bile in his famous depiction of the Birth of Venus. I'm amazed that I never noticed the ileostomy in the above painting. I guarantee, however, now that I've pointed it out to you, it will be the first thing you notice every time you see that painting. Make sure to point it out to your friends!

One can only speculate why these ancient peoples found ileostomies so attractive. Of course, what red blooded male is not going to look at an ileostomy and wonder "Can I stick my junk in that?"

Here is an excerpt of one of last videos I shot of Alan Justiss:

I was reading the comics in the newspaper yesterday. After I laughed incessantly for a full five minutes at Marmaduke (he had eaten somebody's sandwich or some shit or something, a thought came to me – this story-less one-panel comic really lends itself for a live action movie! I mean, it's got everything a successful movie needs... well, it's got a big dog! And he gets into all sorts of trouble because... you know... he's a big dog. And... I guess that’s the main theme of the strip. So to give a Marmaduke movie a little of that extra pizzazz, maybe they could use some of those digital effects and shit and make Marmaduke talk! I mean can you imagine? A talking dog! It’s absurd! It’s genius! I can’t think of any other movie where live action animals talk... well, except for Babe, Stuart Little, Beverly Hills Chihuahua, Doctor Doolittle, Doctor Doolittle 2, Doctor Doolittle3. Ok, so there have been a few, but this is Marmaduke and he’s a big dog! I mean, not Clifford big, but pretty big. But to make this movie a mega-hit, we’ll have to break from the comic a bit and have Marmaduke do some distinctly un-doglike things. Hey, I got it! He should wear sunglasses and surf! Yeah that’s the ticket! Hell, and why only have one stupid dog star the movie? Let’s have lots and lots of those fucking talking animals! Fuck yeah! Let's put those computers to work! Oh, fuck me... I just had a brilliant idea... there should be a fucking huge-ass dance number with all the animals! Is anybody getting this? This is going to be so fucking awesome! I am so fucking coked up right now! Only one last thing – who is going to do the voice of Marmaduke? I wonder what Owen Wilson is up to?
For your enjoyment, here are a few of my favorite Marmaduke comics:

In case you're not familiar with Harold Camping, a.k.a. Brother Camping, he’s an 88 year old host of a Christian call-in radio show. There is plenty of information on this guy on the internet, so I’m not going to give you a biography. Just Google his name, you lazy fuck, and go to town!

I've listened to Brother Camping periodically for over a decade -- his show has played in every city I've hid in. I’ve heard him on more than one occasion tell a woman that she must get back together with her abusive husband because she made a promise with God when she married him. If she remarries, it’s adultery – plain and simple. Who knows, maybe some women ended up dead because of this wonderful advice. Nice job, Campy!

I was listening to his show last night and learned that based on clues in the Bible, he has calculated the day of the rapture! For your information, that day is May 21, 2011. Mark your calendar, I guess. Might as well cancel any appointments you have after that date. A man called in to the show and told Brother Camping that he believed the bible, but he could not believe that May 21 of next year was going to be the big “R” day. The man stated he was a Christian and asked Camping if the rapture did come next year, was he going to go to hell because he didn’t trust Camping’s date. To paraphrase Brother Camping’s answer he said basically, “I can’t judge you, only God can do that, but yes, you’re going to hell. The day comes from the Bible so it is God’s word, therefore it’s infallible. Oh, don’t think you're going to get saved after the rapture because it’s too late.” Sorry, I’d give the actual quote, if I could find a transcript, but seriously, that’s the gist.

I hope the old fuck lives another year to see that his inflexible prediction is wrong. And maybe, just maybe, he will realize that the world is not so black and white. Maybe he will see the bible is open for some interpretation. Maybe he’ll apologize for all the bad, inflexible advice he’s been giving for decades. But we all know what will happen – he'll admit to making some miscalculation and change the date and he’ll continue being a complete ass-wipe and he’ll resume scaring of the bejesus out of the poor sheep.

For your convenience, so you can say your good-byes and get your affairs in order, I present to you Brother Camping’s Rapture Countdown Clock:
Sorry... the countdown clock went off years ago. Looks like you were left behind with Brother Camping. Sucks to be you. Wait.... I was left behind, too. Damn.

Nearly a year after I first proposed the moon's destruction (see July 22, 2008 ) it seems other people have jumped on the bandwagon. Here is a link I happen to come across to a petition to blow up the moon. The poster has no affiliation with me.
http://www.petitiononline.com/156840/petition.html

So I decided to check out Rush Limbaugh's dittocam. All he did was sit there, look into the camera and play with his manboobs while he made little kissing sounds. I'm just confused -- is that his new shtick? I admit that the show was somewhat entertaining and more informative than of his other shows I've seen. It just seems like it's going to get old is all. I mean, how long can people watch this without getting sick?

Something about getting older makes a man appreciate a different class of female. It’s not all about T & A. You see the other endearing and beautiful qualities of the opposite sex you previously missed with your tunnel vision.  I certainly never thought about it as a kid, but it’s true: Emmet Otter’s mom is hot! Not only is she a MILF, but she’s also a PILF (Puppet I’d Like to F*ck). I guess for the record, she’s also an OILF (Otter I’d Like to F*ck). I mean come on! Look at those beautiful black eyes and that cute fur. How could a man resist that?

Underneath that dress is one lucky puppeteer!