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NEWS and UNINFORMED OPINION

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MY QUICK WITS

February 2, 2019

It was a miracle I made it home last night as drunk as I was. It went down something like this… My wife is pissed. I know this because she changed the locks on me. Well I ain't sleeping on the lawn like a dog, so I give the door a good swift kick and the jam splits. I get inside and realize my wife has been busy spending my hard-earned money because I see she’s bought all new furniture. She’s also repainted the place, put in a staircase and built a second floor. I have to admit she did a pretty good job and I'm impressed with her carpentry skills.

Next thing I know, this guy barrels out of my bedroom brandishing a baseball bat. Like all white men, I'm terrified of black men, and this guy is black and red with anger. Scared as I am, I stand my ground and yell, “Are you fucking my wife?” He looks puzzled so I repeat, “I asked you if you’re fucking my wife!” Just then my wife comes out of the bedroom. And get this, she’s in total black face. She even painted her arms and legs and is she’s wearing a black wig. I'm like, "Woman, don't you know that's racist?""

It starts to occur to me that there is a slight possibility this house isn’t my house and maybe this woman isn’t my wife. After all, I'm not stupid. Thinking back, the street didn’t really look like my street and the oak tree I hit in the front yard wasn't there yesterday. Also, I recall I'm on a business trip. But for all I know, that guy could be fucking my wife. I mean, a lot of people fuck my wife. Oh Troy, you're in some hot water now because this very irritated couple is calling the police. What are you going to do? You're going to use your wits, that's what you’re going to do. The cops arrive and I tell them this couple kidnapped me and they have been torturing me and thank God you guys got here to save me. The cops drag the couple out of their house and take them away. Problem solved. And as a bonus I found some expensive looking jewelry in the bedroom. This will make my wife happy and hopefully keep her nagging mouth shut about my drinking for a while.

Crap… I just remembered my wife is dead.

MY NASTY BOYLE

January 1, 2019

My boylr

Heck of a way to start the new year! I woke up with this nasty boyle on my neck.

Question: Do boyles normally scream when you lance them?

My LONG TOENAILS

December 29, 2018

My toenails

I have to cut slits for my toenails into every pair of shoes I buy. Why don't I cut my toenails instead? Because long toenails are my identity. It would be like Super Man without an "S" or Mario without a mustache or Kim Kardashian without psoriasis.

Long toenails are also handy (or should I say footy?) when you're playing footsy. What girl wouldn't get all tingly when you gently stroke her leg with your magnificent 3 inch toenail? I once got a woman so excited with sexy toes, she started gagging.

And finally, these things are protection. They won't let me carry a knife onto the plane, but they can't confiscate these babies! My nails are thick and sharp and they will cut you up if you mess with me. Just ask my ex-wife. I got careless one day and now she's missing an eye.

I'M SUING DELTA!

December 1, 2018

The Facts Of Life

I can't tell you how upset and angry I am with Delta for kicking me off my flight because of my emotional support badger. I AM GOING TO SUE THEM AND I AM GOING TO OWN THAT AIRLINE!

I'M KIND OF THE JOHNNY APPLESEED OF WET WILLIES

October 3, 2018

I'm kind of the Johnny Appleseed of wet willies. I spread them wherever I go from coast to coast. The lady sitting in front of me on the bus gets a wet willy. The old man in line at the supermarket gets a wet willy. Basically anybody I'm sure can't beat me up gets a wet willy.

Sometimes I use other things besides my saliva and my finger to compose my wet willy. I once used a slug on a guy who was struggling in crutches. Another time I found the perfect shaped turd and used that on a big guy who had been hit by a car and couldn't move. Amazing how wide his eyes opened as I squished it in his ear. I think it helped take his mind off his mangled body, so you're welcome, mister. Another time I put a rusty screwdriver in a little girl's ear.

I like to volunteer at the senior home. Those old people try to get away when they see me coming, but they just can't move fast enough to escape my finger. I sometimes give them the double wet willy. Then I steal their medicine. I always hear them begging the staff to make me leave, but fortunately nobody listens to old people.

Some people act really mad when you give them a wet willy, but I know they’re laughing on the inside. Sometimes they try to claim I'm assaulting them, to which I say, "I'll a-salt you!" Then I throw salt in their face. If they don't find that funny then I know the person is dead inside and I feel sorry for them. Take, for instance, the little girl with the screw driver in her ear. She just fell down and trembled for a few seconds then stopped moving altogether. What a little drama queen! How terrible to take everything so seriously at such a young age. Wet willies are for spreading joy and laughter and bacteria.

And that's why I consider myself the Johnny Appleseed of wet willies. Also of herpes.

MORE ON MR. ROGERS

September 1, 2018

At the end of every Mr. Rogers’ show he sang

I'll be back when the day is new.
And I'll have more ideas for you.
And you'll have things you'll want to talk about.
I will too.

I want to say for the record, Mr. Rogers never let me talk about what I wanted to talk about. Every time I tried to say something he’d interrupt and talk right over me. He clearly wasn’t listening. I hope he’s burning in hell.

THE FINAL SEASON OF THE FACTS OF LIFE

August 20, 2018

The Facts Of Life

Thinking back... The Facts Of Life got a little weird at the end of its run. I guess the writers were trying to shake things up to make the show relevant again. Still, they probably went too far when they added TJ. It was truly uncomfortable to watch.

MY EXPERIENCE AS A JUROR

APRIL 4, 2018

GO PROSECUTION

What an experience it was being a juror on a federal case! Here are a few things I learned from this experience:

  • As a juror, you are required to wear a shirt and shoes. It would have been nice if they had told me this tidbit before I drove all the way to the courthouse. Good thing I had one of my wife beater shirts in my car or else I would have had to drive all the way back home.
  • As a juror, you are not allowed to yell "I object" during witness questioning.
  • The judge will get very pissy if you crack open a beer during testimony. I tried to tell the judge that it makes me a better listener, but she just didn't seem to care. That's our legal system for you!
  • Sometimes witness questioning can last for hours, so it's wise to bring a cup so you'll have something to pee into. Also, don't make my mistake and bring too small of a cup.
  • As a juror, it's difficult to get a message to the defendant. All I wanted was for her to know I would be lenient if she would go out with me. A very simple little request if you ask me. None of those asshole lawyers (prosecution or defense) would pass my note to her.
  • The pad and pencil they provide you is meant for notes and not drawings of the judge with devil horns and a tail.
  • The judge prefers to be addressed as "your honor" and not "bitch."
  • Try to make your farts inaudible.
  • They don't allow pizza delivery to the courtroom.
  • You'll find most of the people on the jury are really uptight and it's almost impossible to get a wave started.
  • Picking "teams" before the trial begins is generally frowned upon. I was forced to throw all my homemade "Go PROSECUTION!!!" signs away.
  • I always thought "deliberation" was a fancy word for sex. For example, "You know Sally in produce? I deliberated her in the storage room." So I was all excited when the judge sent us back to the deliberation room. Imagine my embarrassment when it occured to me after 5 minutes that I was the only one who got naked.
  • On the plus side, I was paid $80 for my troubles, which is more than I've made in years. Problem is, they mail it to you. So if your plan is to find a prostitute right after the trial, you better bring some cash.

THE BABY IN THE ROAD

MARCH 10, 2018

baby in the road

The world is going to hell. People don’t know how to take responsibility even for their own kids! Take for instance the time I was on vacation, driving down a desolate road while enjoying the sunset and what do I spot but a baby, I mean a human baby, crawling across the street. Of course, I stop. I'm not a monster! I get out and gently nudge him off the road with my foot. One must be careful because I certainly didn’t want to get bit by a baby I knew nothing about, especially while I was in the middle of nowhere. I had no idea if he had rabies or was diseased or what his story was. Plus, I've always heard you’re not supposed to handle them too much because if the mother finds it she might reject it. Another thing to remember if you’re in the same situation is to make sure you push the baby off the road in the direction it's crawling or else it might crawl back onto the road. As I drove off I thought, I’ve done all I can, it’s now up to you, little guy. I didn't get but a few hundred feet when I spotted a pack of wild dogs headed toward the baby. I said to myself, "I'll bet those wild dogs will raise that baby." It's beautiful how things seem to work out sometimes. And nothing beats the feeling you get after you do something nice. I will always stop for a baby in the road, unless I don't feel like it.

THE SHAPE OF POOP

MARCH 3, 2018

The Shape of Poop

I know it's crass and juvenile of me, but let's address it. Where was that thing relieving itself the whole time it was in her apartment? Did she potty train him? Probably not. He seemed advanced enough that I'll bet he didn't want to soak in his own waste in the tub. So I imagine the first thing he did when he got into some real water was to let loose. I know it's pretty much the first thing I do whenever I jump into a pool.

WE HAVE A NEW MUSIC VIDEO

February 23, 2018

We created the best music video in the history of music videos. Enjoy!

THE MOST CONTROVERSIAL EPISODE OF MR. ROGER’S NEIGHBORHOOD

FEBRUARY 14, 2018

Mr. Roger's Serial Killer

God have mercy if you witnessed as a child the episode of Mr. Roger’s where a serial killer escapes into the Neighborhood of Make-Believe. It's burned into my memory how the killer catches every single inhabitant and breaks each of their backs, leaving them paralyzed on the trolley tracks. The only thing they could do is scream… and boy, did they. Then the killer lifted the trolley and went down the line smashing all of their little heads with the trolley. It was brutal.

Most people regard this episode as the one that finally jumped the shark, but I understand why Fred Rogers did it. Kids needed to learn that no place is safe, not even their imagination. Plus, the show was coming to the end of its long run. I guess Fred wanted to go out with a bang. And let’s face it, there were at least a few of those damn puppets we all wanted to see killed, like that stupid cat, Henrietta, who would randomly interject “meow” into all her stupid sentences. Also, Lady Elaine Fairchilde, who was obviously a drunk.

TROY LUKKARILA'S NIPPLE ENLARGEMENT PROCEDURE A SUCCESS

February 7, 2018

We want to thank everybody for keeping Troy in your thoughts and prayers. It has taken nearly a month for Troy to recuperate from his nipple enlargement procedure. Troy has saucer-size nipples Although the procedure was painful and expensive, Troy feels it was worth it to finally have the body he’s always desired. He would like to tell the world that cosmetic surgery is almost always the best option.

LUKALIPS DESTRUCTION COMPANY SPONSORS HUMAN CENTIPEDE FESTIVAL

January 6, 2018

Here at LDC we thought we'd give back to the great city of Jacksonville for all the support we've been given throughout the years. That's why we're sponsoring this huge event at great expense. Human Centipede Ferstival

CONCERNS OF A CLOWN

SEPTEMBER 23, 2017

Troy Lukkarila talks about the challenges of being a clown on this video rant.

TROY IS GIVING CDs AWAY

September 2, 2017

Watch the video to find out how to get a CD mailed right to your house for free. FREE! FREE! Did we mention it's free?

OBSERVATION AT A ROCK CONCERT

August 15, 2017

It was a crowded, stand-up rock and roll show. I was standing. My friends were standing. The guy next me was standing behind his standing girlfriend, lovingly holding her shoulders so everybody would know who she belonged to as they swayed in unison to the music. I was secretly checking out the girl when the guy lifted his hand off her shoulder and shoved his finger deep into his nose. Let me tell you, he picked the shit out of that thing, and it wasn't exactly quick, but she was into the music looking ahead at the band. When he finally found whatever he was looking for, he unselfishly gave it to his girlfriend by way of wiping it on her back, then he replaced his hand on her shoulder. She reached back and lovingly rubbed the hand, none the wiser. The perfect crime. And executed so flawlessly. I would have shaken his hand, but… ew.

ON SAYING SOMETHING STUPIDLY OBVIOUS

April 21, 2017

My neighbor informed me that he and his mathematician wife are moving to Michigan because his wife has a great job opportunity at a university there. On hearing this news, I didn't offer congratulations. I didn't mention Michigan is full of beautiful forests and terrain. No, instead I chose to respond the same way every other lunk headed Floridian must respond, "It's going to be a lot colder up there."

My neighbor politely agrees, but I detect I've killed him a bit inside. He probably can’t wait to move away from his idiot neighbors and everybody else who has said the exact same stupidly obvious thing to him.

I do believe we have a problem in society where people tend to be needlessly cruel to each other, but on the other hand, I deserved mockery for my stupid statement. My neighbor SHOULD have responded with maximum sarcasm, "You mean to tell me Michigan is up north? Well dang! If only my wife had gotten her doctorate in geography instead of mathematics, we woulda knowd that. We just never considered that Michigan is colder than Florida when we were considering this life-changing move. Thank you SO much for enlightening us with your great wisdom. I just wish we'd talked to you before we went through all the trouble of putting our house up for sale."

To my neighbor and the rest of the world, I apologize for my stupidity. For the record, I have a Bachelor of Science degree, so I'm not a complete fucking idiot. I just sound like one sometimes. Feel free to call me out at those times. I promise to return the favor.

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