It was a crowded, stand-up rock and roll show. I was standing. My friends were standing. The guy next me was standing behind his standing girlfriend, lovingly holding her shoulders so everybody would know who she belonged to as they swayed in unison to the music. I was secretly checking out the girl when the guy lifted his hand off her shoulder and shoved his finger deep into his nose. Let me tell you, he picked the shit out of that thing, and it wasn't exactly quick, but she was into the music looking ahead at the band. When he finally found whatever he was looking for, he unselfishly gave it to his girlfriend by way of wiping it on her back, then he replaced his hand on her shoulder. She reached back and lovingly rubbed the hand, none the wiser. The perfect crime. And executed so flawlessly. I would have shaken his hand, but… ew.
My neighbor informed me that he and his mathematician wife are moving to Michigan because his wife has a great job opportunity at a university there. On hearing this news, I didn't offer congratulations. I didn't mention Michigan is full of beautiful forests and terrain. No, instead I chose to respond the same way every other lunk headed Floridian must respond, "It's going to be a lot colder up there."
My neighbor politely agrees, but I detect I've killed him a bit inside. He probably can’t wait to move away from his idiot neighbors and everybody else who has said the exact same stupidly obvious thing to him.
I do believe we have a problem in society where people tend to be needlessly cruel to each other, but on the other hand, I deserved mockery for my stupid statement. My neighbor SHOULD have responded with maximum sarcasm, "You mean to tell me Michigan is up north? Well dang! If only my wife had gotten her doctorate in geography instead of mathematics, we woulda knowd that. We just never considered that Michigan is colder than Florida when we were considering this life-changing move. Thank you SO much for enlightening us with your great wisdom. I just wish we'd talked to you before we went through all the trouble of putting our house up for sale."
To my neighbor and the rest of the world, I apologize for my stupidity. For the record, I have a Bachelor of Science degree, so I'm not a complete fucking idiot. I just sound like one sometimes. Feel free to call me out at those times. I promise to return the favor.
I did this when I got in a pillow fight with some sorority girls back in my college days. Trust me, it works! There wasn't a single girl left standing. Who can help but laugh when you see somebody smiling because they think they're going to get a soft pillow in the face, next thing they know, they're spitting teeth out of their mouth? Hilarity!
Also, did you know pillowcase is one word and so is doorknob? In fact, doorknob has been one word since the mid 1800's.
What kind of world do we live in when a guy can't even help an old lady with her groceries without getting arrested for assault? Furthermore, how come a sailor can kiss some broad in the street after we win a war and everybody thinks it's sweet iconic photo, however I kiss a random old lady on the street after the glorious Trump win and somehow I'm a monster. This is not what er voted for! I thought we all understood that this behavior was OK now!
And for the record, I didn't grope her. I wanted to, but I didn't, which shows some remarkable restraint on my part. Nobody shows more restraint than me.
I am sharing some of my favorite art entries from the Florida Clay County Agricultural Fair. Enjoy!
Click here for the full story.
I have to admit it was a damn good punch at the Trump rally for a 78 year old to be throwing. I've always said, if you have to punch a guy, it's best to go with the sucker punch. Even better if the guy you punch is surrounded by guards so he can't fight back. I mean, seriously, who could pass up an opportunity like that?
One time I saw a guy who was trapped in his car due to a nasty accident. I just started punching him in the face because I knew an opportunity to punch a guy without him fighting back is rare. I punched his wife some, too, but she was already dead so I didn't get much out of it.
Some people say it's in bad taste to sucker punch kids, only problem is if they know it's coming they run away, so you pretty much have no choice.
You don't have to sucker punch your own kids because they are easy to catch being that they usually live in your house. Problem is if you punch your kids too much, the state will take them away. Just another example of the government interfering in private affairs. Stupid government overreach. I've always felt that whomever you punch in your own house is your own business.
I came across these stuffed ducklings for sale at an antiques and oddities store in Austin, TX. Who would make such an atrocity? Clearly, there is only one possible answer and it is this:
A woman goes on a pity date with a guy. It is a pity date because this guy’s face is grotesque and his body is somewhat misshapen. He almost looks as though he’s been sewn together with parts from various c-grade humans. The woman is not exactly a looker, but she’s not gag-inducing, either. Definitely hittable.
It’s a beautiful Texas afternoon so they meet at a popular downtown park. As they’re strolling down the paved path the woman points to a pond and says, "Look at those baby ducks! They’re so cute! I would so love to have them… if only they would just stay little and cute forever." She chuckles at the absurdity of her statement. The disfigured guy lets out an understanding grunt.
The woman makes some excuse to end the date early. She feels she’s done her duty showing just a little kindness to the disfigured drooling guy. Did I mention he drools? Yeah, he drools.
A few days later there is a knock at her door. It’s a couple of Jehovah’s Witnesses. She accepts the Watchtower magazine and thanks them. Five minutes later there is another door knock. It’s the disfigured drooling guy who smells like formaldehyde. Did I mention he smells like formaldehyde? Of course he does.
Taken aback, the first thing out of her mouth is, "How do you know where I live?" He tells her there is only one Janet Heekahaunaele in the phone book. Also, he secretly followed her home the other night.
He presents to her four baby ducks. They have been meticulously preserved. Their little webbed feet are glued to a wooden base. What woman could resist such a darling display?
"They’ll be babies forever! Just the way you wanted. Look how cute they are," says the disfigured, drooling smelly man.
She knew it was time to come clean. "Look, I just don’t think I can see you again. I mean, you’re sweet and all… and I appreciate that you would go to all the trouble to catch these cute little innocent baby ducks and murder them just for me…"
"And they weren’t easy to catch, either. Their mother kept attacking me. I finally had to club her."
"I’m sorry, Frank… it is Frank, right?"
"Yeah, Larry. You’re sweet. But this isn’t going to work out. I only went out with you because I felt sorry for you since you’re so disgusting and all and you have very little chance of having any human contact." She closes the door.
"Larry remains outside the door and yells, "But I love you so much I killed baby ducks for you! I doubt there has ever been a more romantic gesture!"
Now I'll bet you’re thinking that Larry breaks in, bashes the woman in the head, drags her off and stuffs her so she can "live" permanently in his home. Well shame on you for thinking such a thing. First off, just because Larry is disfigured and kills little baby ducklings does not mean he is some kind of monster and would kill an innocent woman. In fact, he’s disfigured because he was a war hero and jumped on a grenade to save his fellow soldiers. I hope you’re feeling ashamed of yourself right now for your nasty assumptions because you should.
Also, stuffing a human is not practical because Larry is not a taxidermist. He had to take the ducks someplace to get them stuffed and it wasn’t cheap. It would cost a fortune to get a human stuffed and they probably wouldn’t do it anyway without the proper paperwork. So your line of thinking is making me question your sanity. All that happened was Larry left the woman’s house. On the way home he dropped the little stuffed ducklings off at a thrift store. They were too painful for him to keep. The ducklings were quickly bought by a collector who specializes in strange things.
Now you're like, "Well wait a minute. You said Larry smelled like formaldehyde. Why does he smell like formaldehyde if he’s not trying to preserve dead things?"
For your information Larry is also a professional photographer. Formaldehyde is used in film development. Look it up if you don’t believe me, you big jerk. He spilled a little of the chemical on himself and it’s hard to get rid of the smell, that’s all.
Any more questions? I mean, this wasn’t supposed to be a Q&A session. I just wanted to tell you how the stuffed ducklings came about but then you went down the sick path of murder. You just took it too far, really. You know what? I’m done with you. I don’t think you’re a healthy person to be around. I am now uneasy knowing people like you walk around freely thinking about murdering and stuffing human beings. Please seek help.