Here is my trip report for Machu Picchu in Peru..

Day after day my inbox is filled with messages asking the same thing: "Are you happy with your penis size?" The other question I get, although not as frequently, is "Are you really as big of a dumbass as you seem?" It sounds like people don't know the real Troy Lukkarila. So in order to shed some light on the mystery which is apparently me, I decided to post some facts about myself.

16 FACTS ABOUT TROY LUKKARILA

1. My toenails protrude out the ends of my shoes and make great weapons.
2. I eat leprosy with juice and toast.
3. My nose can touch the ground when I tell the truth.
4. The dark side of my face houses strange green organisms that play nude volleyball.
5. I carved my hands in to evil puppets and do a funny ventriloquism act with them over at the planetarium.
6. I swallowed a fishing hook then jerked it back up. I caught an old shoe.
7. I watched the doctor pull my brains out through my nose. Then he said, “Oops.”
8. I can hold a mixed drink with the cheeks of my butt and still socialize.
9. I can fart a laser.
10. I use a chisel to peel off my socks at night.
11. Inside my spinal cord lives a lonesome snake named Mikey.
12. When I sing my peers join in and shed on the couch.
13. I stacked all my literature in a pile and found it was only a pizza flier.
14. My arms make me laugh when I remember how I they were once bloody stubs.
15. I'm happy with my penis size. OK, not really.
16. My mother hides the photo album. It contains pictures of me.

You're welcome.

Just because I think it's funny.

The staff of LukaLips Destruction Company want to thank the kind people for their prayers and well wishes. With the help of the good Lord and a good surgeon, Troy will have his penis reattached before the end of March.

Roy Peak was an engineer and coproducer for every one of troy Lukkarila's CDs. Now he has his own CD and we urge you to check it out! In fact, we demand it! So if you want this relationship to continue, you just better check it out. RoyPeak.com.

I had a great time at the Clay County Fair this year. Made some wonderful art discoveries! Check them out here.

Our old friend TJ has started yet another business venture. Please check it out!

Unfortunately, I'm old enough to remember when Bill Cosby did a segment called "Picture Pages" on the Captain Kangaroo show. As I try to recall some of those episodes, it occurs to me that maybe some of the themes weren't exactly appropriate for kids. I don't know, my memory is fuzzy because I'm drunk.