Sara fell down and broke her leg
But she was all pumped up on some stuff
And ran around in circles.
Arms flailing
Mouth screaming.
When she calmed down I had sex with her.
Man, that was a great party.

Jane sat with her back against the wall
She had a puddle of puke in her lap
Some of it was even her own.
I took off her pants
And hosed her down
Then I had sex with her.
Man, that was a great party.

Bill said he could be William Tell
So he loaded up his shotgun
Put an apple on his girlfriend’s head
Then her head was gone.
Good thing we were in Mexico.
I don’t think anybody had sex with her,
But man, it was still a great party.

We saw a boy crying.
We asked him, "Hey little boy, why are you crying?"
He said, "Because I lost my true love."
So we beat the hell out of him.

Jacksonville journalist and musician John Citroni's writes about Troy Lukkarila and Troy's CD Don't Sit On Tables in this week's Folio Weekly. Troy and all his subhuman employees at LukaLips Destruction Co are grateful for John's kind words. Troy is especially grateful that the article is mostly about his music and not about the working conditions at LukaLips Destruction Co. If you can't pick up a copy, you can at least read the article here.

Like many people, I don't enjoy going to the doctor, but after years of putting it off, I finally decided it was time. You see, I've been suffering with a strange affliction that I've been embarrassed to talk about, but in the interest of helping others who may suffer from the same affliction, I am sharing. For years I have had an embarrassing liquid discharge that comes right from my penis, of all places. According to my doctor, the scientific name is "urination" but the laymen call it "peeing" or sometimes "pissing." My doctor assured me that it is perfectly natural and many people suffer from the exact same problem. He even confided in me that he often suffers from urination. According to my doctor, there are people out there who do urination pretty much every single day.

Since my visit to the doctor, I've learned so much. It turns out there is a whole secret society of people who do urination. In fact, many public buildings have secret little rooms where people in the know can go do urination. They can be identified by strange symbol next to the entrance, which I don't want to describe exactly, because I don't want just anybody going in the secret room, but if you suffer from urination your doctor will show you exactly what the symbol looks like. Or, if you want, email me directly and I will email you a picture of the symbol.

Inside the little rooms there are urination collection devices. Who knows what these places are doing with all this penis discharge. Maybe they make food out of it, I don't know.

There is certain etiquette one must follow in the urination room. For instance, it's considered rude to share the urination collection device, so if they are all occupied, you have to stand there and wait. Also, there isn't a lot of talking going on in the urination collection rooms, so I usually just smile and wink at people, because we're all in the know.

I hope coming out like this helps other people. There is no reason to be embarrassed. Stand up and yell to the world, "I am a urinator and I am proud!" I guess the main thing is, don't hesitate to go to the doctor when it comes to your health. A lot of times it's nothing, but better safe than sorry. In fact, I'm going to the doctor again next week. I don't even want to tell you what anus is discharging, but I'll give you a hint -- it really stinks.

Don't miss a fun-filled night with Troy Lukkarila as he hosts the showing of his films at Sun-Ray Cinema in Jacksonville. There will be behind the scenes footage and stories. Heckling is welcomed. More info here.

Here at LukaLips Destruction Co, we are proud to offer the first in a series of educational toys for kids. Because, you know, kids are important and stuff. They should learn shit.

It's difficult for me to decide what I love the most about this plaque.

Is it the sappy, politically incorrect, uncentered text?

Is it the man's freakishly long left leg?

Perhaps it is the way the illustrator isn't quite sure where elbows belong on a human being.

Maybe what I love most is that the man's left arm seems to grow right out of the side of his head.

Is it me or does the man look just a bit suspicious? Maybe a little creepy? Like if this were your child you might tell the disfigured man with the weird smile and long sideburns to back off and quit stooping over your crippled child.

The plaque is not hand-painted, meaning it was probably mass produced. I dream of the conversations that took place between the team of people responsible for this and how they gave each other encouragement to create this monstrosity. I imagine how it probably hung on a wall for years with people taking little notice. One day, a man walked into the building believing there was no magic left in the world. He saw this plaque. He read the words as a tear welled up in his eye, then said to himself in a whisper, "That's so beautiful." The day I found this in a thrift store, that man was me.

Here is my trip report for Disney's Magic Kingdom. If I can sum it up in one word, that word would be... just watch the video.

I had a little run-in with the royal family last year. Just watch.

So I'm trying to interpret these paintings that George W. Bush has created. I see the main figures in the paintings to be himself. In the left painting I believe he is doing a little dance after he shot a guy. In the right painting, he is holding 1000 pounds above his head while he rests his foot on some guy's severed head. In both paintings he seems to be sporting a giant boner. Not sure what that's about. I don't think the paintings are really very good, but I don't know much about art. Anyway, it's nice to see him being a little more introspective as he ages.

It was a somber Thanksgiving morning at the house of Troy Lukkarila. As family arrived for what they thought was going to an enjoyable family gathering, they were shocked to find Troy Lukkarila dead, apparently killed by his own house cats.

According to a statement by Sgt. J.K. Schmidt of the Jacksonville sheriff's office, "Troy Lukkarila put up a good fight, but in the end he was simply overpowered by the cats."

"While I eat my turkey today, I just won’t be able to help thinking about those cats eating my brother’s neck. They literally ruined Thanksgiving for us!" said Troy’s brother, Paul. "I never did trust them cats, but we’ll give ‘em a good home anyways."

The staff of LukaLips Destruction Company hopes the death of their founder can serve to remind people everywhere of the danger posed by domesticated cats. "If Troy’s death helps prevent just one other another person from getting eaten by their cats, his death was worth it."

Every day in this country thousands of pounds of perfectly good hair gets discarded, ultimately ending up in landfills. Why should this wonderful source of protein go to waste when we have so many adults and children going hungry? That's why I wrote this book.

~Troy

Roland is seen here celebrating this historic milestone.

Tragedy struck beloved artist Troy Lukkarila when a pyrotechnics device he was holding exploded, completely obliterating his hand during Independence Day celebrations. He was drinking a beer while waiting for an ambulance while he addressed reporters. "We like to play a game where we see who will hold the firework in their hand the longest after the fuse is lit. Well, I won because I'm awesome," he told reporters. Troy remains optimistic that doctors will be able to repair the damage. "They'll fix this shit right up. I'll be playing guitar again in a week. You'll see."

Please keep Troy in your thoughts and prayers.

We received a message from Toro requesting that we remove a video --  the one that reviews one of Toro's mowers for safety. The message was polite, so we chose to take the high road and not make fun of them. Also, we feel sorry for them because our channel has over a million more video views than poor little Toro's channel.  Also, we have more subscribers.  However, we will not be removing the video. Here is their message for your reading pleasure.

I don't usually post this kind of thing, but when I saw this picture of a little boy with no legs, half-eaten by a shark, yet still competing and going strong, I have to say I was inspired. The shark must weigh like five times more than the kid! You go, little legless, half-eaten by a shark boy! For God's sake, why can't they remove the shark? I guess modern medicine just isn't there yet.
I found out la ter that the boy must be dunked in water every hour in order to keep the shark alive. Nature can be cruel.

So this LogMeIn thing is pretty cool. It lets you remote control your computer from any computer that has web access. That's all fine and dandy, except I just can't agree with their choice of icons on their home page header. A pickup truck? Really?

I feel a responsibility to share what I've learned so you don't walk around looking all stupid. You're welcome!