From the mouth of Troy:

I'm a good looking man when the lights are out as long as you don't touch me and I don't speak.

From the mouth of Troy:

I lost an entire Q-tip in my ear.

From the mouth of Troy:

No matter how much moisturizer I put on my hand, it's still dry. Hopefully it will be better after the doctor reattaches it.

From the mouth of Troy:

Spontaneous human combustion is extremely rare, therefore I've always found it bewildering I've witnessed it occur so many times to people I meet.

From the mouth of Troy:

How come nobody ever let me in on this whole masturbation thing until now? This is awesome! What will they come up with next? I won't give away the ending in case you haven't tried it.

From the mouth of Troy:

The clown finally made me laugh after I noticed he had puke on his big red shoes.

From the mouth of Troy:

Great people are modest and don't take credit for anything. I'll take credit anywhere I can get it.

From the mouth of Troy:

We were frolicking in the water and I held her head under a little too long. Oops.