It was a packed rock and roll show where everyone was standing. I was standing. My friends were standing. The guy next to me was standing behind his standing girlfriend. The guy was proudly claiming his territory by holding her shoulders as they they swayed to the music. As I sneakily checked out the girl, the guy decided it was the perfect time for a deep nose expedition. He excavated with the determination of an archaeologist on a quest for ancient treasures. It wasn't a swift operation, but she was too engrossed in the music to notice. He triumphantly unearthed his discovery and generously gifted it to his girlfriend by elegantly wiping it on her back. Then, he casually resumed his hand's position, and she sweetly rubbed his hand, blissfully unaware. It was the perfect crime, executed with the finesse of a comedic mastermind. I would've shaken his hand, but... ew.

My neighbor informed me that he and his mathematician wife are moving to Michigan because his wife has a great job opportunity at a university there. On hearing this news, I didn't offer congratulations. I didn't mention Michigan is full of beautiful forests and terrain. No, instead I chose to respond the same way every other lunk headed Floridian must respond, "It's going to be a lot colder up there."

My neighbor politely agrees, but I detect I've killed him a bit inside. He probably can’t wait to move away from his idiot neighbors and everybody else who has said the exact same stupidly obvious thing to him.

I do believe we have a problem in society where people tend to be needlessly cruel to each other, but on the other hand, I deserved mockery for my stupid statement. My neighbor SHOULD have responded with maximum sarcasm, "You mean to tell me Michigan is up north? Well dang! If only my wife had gotten her doctorate in geography instead of mathematics, we woulda knowd that. We just never considered that Michigan is colder than Florida when we were considering this life-changing move. Thank you SO much for enlightening us with your great wisdom. I just wish we'd talked to you before we went through all the trouble of putting our house up for sale."

To my neighbor and the rest of the world, I apologize for my stupidity. For the record, I have a Bachelor of Science degree, so I'm not a complete fucking idiot. I just sound like one sometimes. Feel free to call me out at those times. I promise to return the favor.

I did this when I got in a pillow fight with some sorority girls back in my college days. Trust me, it works! There wasn't a single girl left standing. Who can help but laugh when you see somebody smiling because they think they're going to get a soft pillow in the face, next thing they know, they're spitting teeth out of their mouth? Hilarity!

Also, did you know pillowcase is one word and so is doorknob? In fact, doorknob has been one word since the mid 1800's.

What kind of world do we live in when a guy can't even help an old lady with her groceries without getting arrested for assault? Furthermore, how come a sailor can kiss some broad in the street after we win a war and everybody thinks it's sweet iconic photo, however I kiss a random old lady on the street after the glorious Trump win and somehow I'm a monster. This is not what er voted for! I thought we all understood that this behavior was OK now!

And for the record, I didn't grope her. I wanted to, but I didn't, which shows some remarkable restraint on my part. Nobody shows more restraint than me.

I am sharing some of my favorite art entries from the Florida Clay County Agricultural Fair. Enjoy!

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I have to admit it was a damn good punch at the Trump rally for a 78 year old to be throwing. I've always said, if you have to punch a guy, it's best to go with the sucker punch. Even better if the guy you punch is surrounded by guards so he can't fight back. I mean, seriously, who could pass up an opportunity like that?

One time I saw a guy who was trapped in his car due to a nasty accident. I just started punching him in the face because I knew an opportunity to punch a guy without him fighting back is rare. I punched his wife some, too, but she was already dead so I didn't get much out of it.

Some people say it's in bad taste to sucker punch kids, only problem is if they know it's coming they run away, so you pretty much have no choice.

You don't have to sucker punch your own kids because they are easy to catch being that they usually live in your house. Problem is if you punch your kids too much, the state will take them away. Just another example of the government interfering in private affairs. Stupid government overreach. I've always felt that whomever you punch in your own house is your own business.

Go Trump!